CW: mention of suicide
Help is available to you no matter what your circumstances may be. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or a mental health crisis, please dial the 24-hour campus crisis line at (310) 825-0768 or contact UCLA Counseling and Psychological Services immediately to schedule an appointment.
http://greatist.com/grow/resources-when-you-can-not-afford-therapy
Ask me what freedom looks like.
I’ll tell you in a decade.
When I’ve grown up
Grown independent
Hold my own, fully on my own, I’ve made it clear of this place and these people.
Ask me what freedom looks like.
I’ll tell you in five years.
When I’ve moved on
Moved to a new city
Hopped countries, changed neighborhoods, cut my ties to construct new communities.
Ask me what freedom looks like.
I’ll tell you in the new year.
When I’m employed
Working passionately
Found a place to intersect the labor that’s been drilled into my skull with the soul I’ve been suppressing.
Ask me what freedom looks like.
I’ll tell you in the summer.
When I’m rootless
Couch to couch
Plane to bus to train to museum to dancefloor, always a few steps ahead of the fears I know I’ll outrun.
Ask me what freedom looks like.
I’ll tell you in the morning.
When I’ve felt the California sun again
Stepped outside
Reminded myself depression never stays but never goes either.
Ask me what freedom looks like.
I’ll tell you in a moment.
Whenever the blood limping between my heart and mind refuses to let me convince myself I would want to live any other way
Whenever my cynicism and bitterness and anger and frustration is drowned in human moments of compassion and vulnerability
Whenever my disheartened habits are disrupted by memories of our capacity for love.
Ask me what freedom looks like.
I really don’t know what I’ll say.
Holmes: I went off meds on accident
Watson: *shudder*
Watson: …
Watson: Holmes
Holmes: remembered what depression was
Watson: Eeeps
Holmes: then went back on
Holmes: and my body hated me for a while
Holmes: but I’m ok again
Watson: It must have been awful You’ve said this like three times – what was it like?
Holmes: Idk.
Holmes: I was so fucking amped, but not necessarily more awake/effective.
Holmes: I felt like a live wire
Holmes: cuz the meds I take are for both anxiety and depression
Watson: So they
Watson: Ah
Holmes: more angry than usual overall…on the worst day I had this weird anger spike, but it was numbing and draining at the same time and I was like omg I’m so confused I’m angry but also feel nothing and wtf is this…oh, right. depression.
Watson: Does it all balance upon return to the meds?
Holmes: yeah, I feel like I finally understand what they’re doing.
Watson: You said it took you a really long time to figure out what worked
Holmes: It doesn’t “make” me happy. It doesn’t change me… it evens me out.
Holmes: just changing dosages and incorporating things for worst case scenarios. a few months, so I guess not that long in the grand scheme of things.
Watson: Kinda crazy…
Watson: But yeah, not that long in the long run..
Holmes: never crazy =P
Holmes: Yup.
Watson:: *sigh*
Watson: Going to try sleeping maybe
Watson: Thanks for being there ~
Watson: Bye for now
Holmes: Always
Watson: good night!
Holmes: good night
CarlyDreme 